Well, I have been pregnant for 30 weeks. It has been such a journey that I feel compelled to write about. I have allowed this blog to be written when I feel inspired so thank you for baring with me as that isn’t always consistent.
Pregnancy is probably one of the coolest and hardest experiences of my life so far. Jake and I were not necessarily planning to have a child quite as soon as I got pregnant but as soon as we found out we were both over the moon excited. Sharing the experience with family and friends has been a beautiful and special time in our lives. Through the first semester and half way through the second, I felt so good. I was feeling so empowered and PROUD of my body. I was thinking I am made for this. Which is completely surprising to me because I always thought conceiving would be hard for me due to some health issues. I mentally prepared for a long and hard journey like so many women have to go through. I remember feeling guilty when I found out at how quickly it happened for us. My heart goes out to all of those women struggling with infertility. I can’t imagine how hard that is.
Pregnancy is weird but cool all at once. You feel like your body is no longer your own. You have this little human growing inside that kicks and flips. Everything gets bigger. I literally mean everything, my feet are almost a full size bigger. Emotions run high and some days you can’t actually believe that this is really happening. It is a special experience that I feel lucky to have and I think I will miss being pregnant once he is earth-side. One unexpected thing I have dealt with was the worry that comes with becoming a Mother. All of a sudden you matter a lot less and your priorities shift to this little life that isn’t even out yet. I constantly day dream about what he will be like. Will he look like Jake? I’m thinking he will be Jake’s mini me, which makes my heart feel like it might explode. When I think about him, I always go straight to the kind of man I want to raise. I want him to have a heart for people, follow his dreams, and be happy. It is fun being around some of our friends and watching them interact with their mamas as grown adults. It makes me so excited for the future and all that is waiting for us in parenthood.
I felt so great all the way up until we got back from our big trip to Bali/Australia. Check out my instagram if you want to see more amazing photos of the trip. It was the trip of a lifetime and we left half our hearts in Australia. Then prenatal depression hit me hard. It caught me so off guard. I have never felt depressed in my life, but it was happening. Debilitating and infiltrating my every thought. I began to feel out why I was having those thoughts. Throughout my pregnancy there has been a lot of love, but there has also been so many people telling me how awful my life is about to be. Those words, eventually took a stronghold in my mind. Hearing, “this will be a nuclear bomb in your marriage” or “get ready because your life is over.” I would laugh it off or just thank them for their honesty, but in all honesty it broke my heart. Little by little, each negative comment tore at me until it was permanently running through my mind. Hearing that this sweet son of mine was only going to cause pain, bring negativity into my life was SO HARD. I heard more negative than I heard love by one point and it was just all too much.
I finally began to pull myself out of it with God’s help. I remember crying out like I wasn’t even ready to be a mom, why? Why now God? He flashed me back to the winter I got engaged. I was so incredibly happy to be engaged but Jake and I had planned on a long engagement. We had only been together 4 months and it seemed logical to be engaged for a while (we were thinking like 2 years) but we both said let’s pray about it. After praying, we both came back and felt like God had laid it on our hearts to get married in August of that year (6 months later). I played strong in front of Jake but I remember going to get groceries that day and right there in the grocery store parking lot, I broke down. I cried in my car, mad at God. Why? Why NOW? We have no money, neither of us have graduated, my brother is in the hospital fighting for his life, and EVERYONE will think we are crazy. Sure enough, most did think we were crazy. Eventually, Jesus gave me peace about the decision and promised he would take care of everything. HE DID. 10 fold.
Flash forward to being pregnant and scared, I was reminded of when people told me getting married was a bad idea. That I was giving up my 20’s, that I barely knew him and that it would be the end of my life. Let me tell you, best decision I ever made. Remembering that time in my life helped me finally feel like it was going to be okay. God took care of us then, why wouldn’t he now? Sure things may get hard, just like they have been in marriage at times. We never know what life may throw at us, but I serve a big God and this is HIS plan and it is always so much BETTER than mine. So, I know my son will be the biggest blessing in my life to date and I can’t wait for the changes that brings. It may get hard, but it will be worth it. I look forward to writing about the positive once little man is here and reaffirming that God always has the best plan. I like that people have gotten real about Motherhood and we openly talk about challenges faced and struggles but I don’t think that should over shadow how blessed we are to become Mother’s.
Enter my 3rd semester. We are in the middle of a pandemic, I am highly at risk if I catch this thing. My business has come to a screeching halt, but we are being taken care of by the big man upstairs. He knew all of this was going to happen. He knows what will happen with my delivery and long after that. He wanted this baby in the world at this time, and though to me it seems crazy, I have learned that God’s plans don’t always make sense to us and that’s okay. Jake and I have been really enjoying this time together. We are working on the nursery which I can’t wait to share with you all once it is done. We have been enjoying time just the two of us before we become a family of three and I am so grateful for that. Covid-19 has affected me and so many people I know and love but this too shall pass. I so looking forward to the day it is over and we get to be around the ones we love. I hope it reignites in people’s hearts how much putting time and effort into relationships matter. It isn’t about what we accomplish in life, but who we share life with. Memories made with the ones we love are so much more fulfilling than any accomplishment this world has to offer. I am praying for all those affected and especially those on the front-line. They are the heroes we don’t deserve.
As always, my favorite verse rings true:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
There is always HOPE.